Wednesday, March 23, 2005

All-Time Hated Movies

In my ongoing quest to speak out against crap cinema, I've decided to create a continuing list of my all-time hated movies. Shouldn't be hard....

Beloved (1998):
I figured I'd begin with the grandaddy of late '90s trash, epitomized by the Mistress of Mediocrity, Oprah. This could well the first movie based on a book club. I believe the only good reviews of this movie came from the estrogen-frenzied audience of the Oprah show who was forced to watch it and love it or else they would not get to scream along with the Big O (as a sidebar: hey, fat white ladies- Oprah don't like you or your kind!).
With this movie, there is something to turn you off at every turn and things go from bad to crap in no time flat. The source is apparently not to be faulted since Toni Morrison is an accomplised writer. And the idea of the ghost of dead child returning is certainly intriguing...too bad she turned into a giant mental retard. Watching Thandie Newton drool out her lines makes me want to die.
The general mood of film can be summed up in a scene in which a freaked out Oprah takes a wild, fear-induced piss in her backyard...brings new meaning to the term"you go, girl."

Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil (1997):
Take a quaint town like Savannah, Georgia, replete with its local lore and traditions, and add a reverence for the great songwriter Johnny Mercer and then BITCH IT ALL UP with voodoo mumbo jumbo and drag queens! Not to mention Kevin Spacey, the sonuvabitch. I'd rather poke my eyes with a red-hot poker than watch him in another movie.
Now I am not one to walk out of movies but back in '97 I was a mere 20 years old and apt to make rash decisions I would later regret. At 28, I still do not regreat leaving this movie.
The movie is too concerned with making itself eccentric and as a result comes off stilted and DULL. And the attempt to attach a regalness to the drag queen Lady Chablis misfired so completely and embarassingly that it shoved me further back into the closet with last year's ponchos.
In case I haven't been clear, I'd rather watch Nascar than sit through this again.